“Sleet or Snow?”

Families always seem to find their way back to each other,

even after things get “weird” or even when you aren’t truly deserving of it.

Snow and sleet are a really iconic thing. They each can be beautiful & harsh, dark & bitter, exciting & Erie, or fun and curious  I have two sisters, and we are all so different but a lot a like in the same way, we are all the same in the sense that if you mess with our mama or each other, we will show up at your front door ready to fight, but I swear we are dainty and not boyish, well let me take that back…most of the time! both my sisters are visions of “Strength grace & beauty” my oldest sister is bold, fiery, protective, witty & easy going” she is “Snow” but a sleet storm when the conditions are right which also makes her harsh cold & you will know she was there” my middle sister, has always been “That girl” naturally good at everything, effortlessly graceful, patient and has an energy that attracts everyone to her, she is exactly as what I would consider snow, beautiful mesmerizing and calm, but she can come down harsh cold and quick when the conditions are also right. Then there is me. Let me introduce myself my name is “Rachel-Jo” however my middle name is “Jo” but i  have always been referred to as “RACHEL-JO” if that doesn’t give you an idea of how much of a shit head I can be, it should.  My blog is called “The stealthy gypsy” but most days it should be called “The chunky Cheeto” because I do enjoy eating my body weight in Cheetos on a regular basis, I’m awkward harsh cold and most of the time heavy (not just in weight) but you used to always be able to tell when I had been somewhere because there was an unnecessary heaviness, that was left behind. I was volatile bitchy and most of the time a bully, and it was a rare occasion I could come to my moms house and there not be a huge argument. as much as I think everyone should know both my sisters there was a certain purpose for mentioning them and my mom. They protected my mom and called me on my shit and I HATED that it was always so much easier for me to turn around and blame someone else for my frustrations and that person was usually my mom, I’m 24 years old now and wish I could take so many years back but that isn’t the point. Liz & Becca never once tried to sugar coat what I was doing I was told when I was 17 after 5 hours of miserable testing that I do have “bipolar one disorder” & “manic psychosis anxiety disorder” and  I lived up to how awful they sounded, because I didn’t want it to be better I finally “found a reason” for why I was the way that I was. And I took it out on everyone else, I could never understand why God picked me to be the one that gets stuck in my own head, to be the one that could never sleep because my mind wouldn’t stop, why he picked me to be the one that couldn’t ever be content, picked me to be the one that was so angry at everyone, because I couldn’t ever quite find my place no matter how hard I tried But you can’t be a bossy bitch and expect people to want to be around you. you can’t push every single person away and wonder why you are lonely. You can’t be a complete fucking asshole to everyone you know and expect them to want to reach out to you. Looking back at it, it is stupid I MADE MY OWN LIFE DIFFICULT. and you may be as well. God is not punishing you, God is not making your life difficult. & you might say consistently “I can’t help it” “I did not know I was being like that” “I knew what I was doing and I couldn’t stop it” “it’s a disability” it’s all bullshit, it’s all what you are telling yourself to try and justify you hurting other people and trying to find a reason to not feel bad for it. If at any point you felt bad, for what you said, what you did or how you acted….then you consciously knew what you were doing. I would love to say that I learned all these things when I was 17, but I was actually 22 years old. And I had to learn it the hard way, by almost destroying my relationship with every single person in my family, literally EVERY SINGLE one of them. I had lived up to the reputation of “Insane” but here we are almost 2 years later and we are okay again, mostly because they gave me much more grace then I deserved. But also because I finally sat myself down and wrote everything out. The things that made me mad, the things that made me hurt and realized that I, Me, Myself, Rachel-Jo was hurting everyone else because I was hurting, NOT the other way around. I was so frustrated that I couldn’t make myself stop hurting, I was so frustrated that I felt so left out by my entire family and then I realized that they weren’t picking on me that I had created that reality on my own, I isolated myself. So I encourage you, that if you need help get it because if we are being honest the most “normal” person in the world can’t  do life alone, there are too many things going on all day every single day to be able to do it alone, if you are prescribed medication….TAKE IT I’ve learned the hard way, about how much it screws you up if you stop and start as you please, don’t do cocaine because it depresses you when you come down…i assure you of this. Surround yourself with the best people the people that make you smile, not the people that make you stressed the quote “we accept the love we think we deserve” is so true and honestly I had to really dig into that to understand what it meant. and what i got from it was that I would put myself in shitty relationships because I thought that I could fix them even if I couldn’t fix myself and I thought if I thought about it really hard and made a list of the “right” things to do that it would be ok, but it would fall apart every single time….there was a time that I thought God had given me the man that I had always dreamed of, well I wasn’t even 21 and was incredibly wrong but what I do know is that he put me in that “mostly healthy” relationship to teach me, what love should and shouldn’t be to teach me you can’t break peoples things because they pissed you off  and that he put me in the one after that to show me what love definitely should not be.  Then out of no where in the most “frat daddy, face book way” God brought me my husband, & even though he is smacking his left over wings across the couch from me, I still look at him on a daily basis  dumbfounded that God thought I deserved someone like him.

God knew I needed Ryan and he brought him into my life at the WORST possible second, he held my hand through it all, did on all the research on who I was and why I was he learned everything about me inside and out, so he can help me not be so volatile, because do not let me fool you I do not have my shit together, I still get mad for no reason and I still talk shit for no reason, but its better now  and as my momma would say “i love me some Ryan” me too mama, me too.

But my point is that through it all I finally know how to stop myself and I know how to admit I was wrong and I know now how to apologize and not blame others for my short comings, I know how to show people love and let them love me back, I know how to talk to my husband, my Mom & my Sisters about the way I feel the way I do without getting so furious that they don’t understand the first time that I explain it, its hard to find the right words for anyone escp. when you are in a vulnerable position. Find your local therapist but be choosey because not every one of them will be the right fit for you, find an outlet writing singing laughing adventuring, cuddling your dog until he is fighting you to get out of your arms (my personal fav!) you aren’t cursed, and if that is the only thing you take from this fantastic because it is SO IMPORTANT….you are NOT cursed, you are blessed God gave you whatever it is you deal with for a reason it may not be anything with mental health but everyone has something, God gave you an extra personality trait the same way he gave you your own fingerprints…..God gave me this personality trait and my love for writing so I can share my story, my Mama has always told me that “my story will help someone” and that is what I’m going for here y’all just a girl, chasing dreams, eating Cheetos, obsessing over my dog & praying that you know whatever it is you deal with that you are not alone.  Thank people for their Grace, because sometimes its a shortcoming of mine, love others more than you need too and say it so much that its almost creepy or annoying because people need to know! and give yourself a break, you are doing the best that you can!

 

“It is in the Nature of Love to Create, it is in the nature of Hate To Destroy”

so let me love you, and let me pray over you.

 

“Lord thank you, for hearing my hurt. Thank you for giving me people that I can turn too on a daily basis. Thank you for helping me be vulnerable enough to share my story to try and help someone who needs to hear it. Thank you for every single person that takes time to read this, thank you for loving them as much as I do. Thank you for hearing them just as you hear me, Thank you for fulfilling your promises to us. Thank you for always being a safe place to turn to, Lord give them the strength they need to make it through there week, give them the right words to express to others what they mean to them! Thank you for being as mighty as you are” (-Rachel Jay)

 

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